starving the caveman…

These posts are getting fewer and fewer. There is a reason for this.

I have mentioned that I have been a heavy smoker for years. I had to admit to myself that it was an addiction and a compulsion. 

I also mentioned that I decided to stop taking the pills a week or so ago, surely because they were making me feel nauseous. It was definitely a risk since I wasn’t sure if I could starve the caveman – that I could rely purely on willpower- and stop smoking

I have had a revelation. I have realised that although I still have am occasional smoke (usually when the “urge” gets too much), I am no longer fully dependent on cigarettes. 

What I mean is that there is no longer a smoking routine and I don’t feel the need to habitually smoke.

This in itself is a major thing for me. more so since I am doing it without any “medical support”. I think that the pills broke a lot of cycles and habits. I also think that my dependence on smoking has been very significantly reduced. 

I would like to think that anyone reading this post (and the previous ones) will be encouraged if they are trying to quit or cut down. 

As for me… I’m still hoping to totally quit but I am very pleased to be at “this stage”.

Intermission

Yup. Been a while since I updated. “Life” kinda happened after my holiday and I have fallen off the bloggy radar for a while. Plus I haven’t been feeling too well recently and that’s been a bit of a distraction. 
I have been updating this blog, but just in my head. By the time I have time to type I’m already doing other stuff. 

Anyway….

I’m pretty sure that my beautiful alien wife has told you about the holiday to Budapest. My take on it will be a bit shorter… It was awesome! I love travelling with my alien and I love to see and learn about other places. The whole trip was wonderful (even the bits that were bit worrying at the time).

And now to the caveman.

I went off the rails for a week or so after my trip to Budapest. It started with “just one cigarette”. I really fancied a relaxing smoke while enjoying the view (in Budapest). We bought a packet of cigarettes (because you can’t just buy one, dammit) and  that was the start. 

I ran out of anti smoking pills earlier than expected and went a day or two without. This was while I had the cigarettes so… yeah… I smoked. 

When I got home I found the prescription waiting for me. They had given me the starter pack instead of the continuation pack. Not sure if that was deliberate or a mistake but the lower dose meant that I was smoking still – the starter packs are designed so you can still smoke for the first week of starting the course of pills. 

I have noticed that this lot of pills were making me feel sick (once I got onto the “full” dose. Nausea is an expected side effect and if I get it, it would usually last half an hour or so. I cannot say for sure if it was the pills but last week I started to feel really ill. So much so that I stopped the course early. 

I have no idea how long the treatment is meant to go on for but I’m hoping that now I can go cold turkey without them. 

So far it’s going… ok.  I have had the occasional smoke but I haven’t been regularly (or massively) smoking. I’ll admit though that it’s hard. Very hard. 

I thought that the pills were not really doing much now but I suspect that they were. I can usually cope with not smoking during work time (just the occasional “pull” after lunch) but it’s really bad evenings and weekends. I seem to get really agitated and can really feel the cravings. 

One day… ill either not smoke at all, or have the occasional social smoke without “needing” to smoke. 

Starving the caveman. Weekend report and Monday

Day 8

If you have read my beautiful aliens post you will see that I had a pretty good weekend. I’m still feeling smug after fixing the oven on Saturday.  

… It was the heating element that was broken. It would have been a 5 min job except that two of the screws holding the element in place were screwed in from the other side – I had to remove the back of the oven to get to them. It all worked out ok though and my beautiful wife is very happy. That makes me very happy.
And now to the caveman…
It’s Monday evening and I can cover today and the weekend by saying that quitting rollups is still not fun. 

The caveman has been constantly sobbing quietly with occasional outbursts of demands. 

Basically it means that I have a constant low key anxiety/need/withdrawal feeling in my tum. It’s barely there but it’s insistent and wearing. 

I’ll also have periods where all I want to do is to go out and smoke a nice big fat rollup.  That’s when my stomach muscles tighten as I try to stop that urge. The stupid thing is that I *know* that if I go out and smoke it’ll taste like shit, I will feel ill and not feel “satisfied”, and ill also feel like a twat for giving in. 

Sometimes I have to take one puff on my vape thing. That just takes the edge off. 
So, yeah. I’m not enjoying quitting yet. 

But I am having some bloody awesome dreams! Trouble is that I either cannot recall them, or I can recall but they cannot translate well  if I wanted to explain them. Oh well. It’s all good. 

And now I’m going to sleep. Not only is it bedtime but I want to sleep to get away from the caveman

Starving the caveman day 5

Day 5
Morning…

Woke up to find that the elections are a mess. The idiot that I voted for doesn’t have a clear majority from the other idiot. Guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens. 

Also woke feeling sick. My beautiful alien is also unwell. I suspect dodgy take-away fried chicken. I also woke up actively not wanting a rollup. This is the first time and so far I still have that feeling – the caveman is totally quiet this morning. 

It’s coffee break at work and… wow.. The only time I thought about smoking was just now when I opened my phone to write this. I suspect that feeling really icky with a dodgy tum probably helps me to forget about nicotine. Whatever works is good, I guess. 
Evening…

Felt better during the afternoon and the caveman was fairly quiet. This lasted until about 8pm or so when all of a sudden the caveman started screaming. I spent the rest of the evening getting really bad cravings… or possibly withdrawal? I’m not sure which but either way I have made it to bedtime without smoking or having a quick vape… yeah. Go, me! Haha

starving the caveman day 4

Day 4

Been a bit of an odd one today. 

The caveman was constant but muted. My craving/withdrawal was like a low-key buzz in the background. Always there but mostly ignorable. 

When I got home I had supper then went to vote (not satisfied because I don’t like any of the candidates so I went for the best of a bad bunch). My beautiful alien wife introduced me to a game on Steam. Bloody thing is addictive! I ended up so absorbed that I totally “forgot” that I was trying to quit smoking. I only remembered when after a few hours I suddenly thought “haven’t had a fag in ages, I think I’ll go outside for a smo…. oh. Yeah. Right. I’m quitting”

I noticed this the last time I quitted. I’ll not crave and forget I’m quitting then suddenly think that it’s time for a cigarette. 

Oh well. I’m still doing well so that’s all good. Time for bed!

starving the caveman 3rd day….

Day 3

Not an easy one so far. It’s my morning break – 10pm and the caveman is banging about and making lots of noise. Has been since this morning. 

I don’t want to quieten things down with a quick vape because I don’t want to rely on that and end up swapping one source of nicotine for another. Plus there is a principle here. 

So I’m just going to have to sit here and tough it out till break is over. Hopefully my work will distract me and drown out the cavemans clamour. 

Nope, it didn’t. At least not completely. The need for a rollup has been bugging me all bloody day. What really sucks is that I know that if I ever did give in and have one it will taste like crap (plus I’d be pissed off with myself for doing it).

I think that I compensated this evening with nibbles. That’s something else that I’m going to have to curb. Hopefully I can cut down on those. Chances are that I’ll have a grumpy rant about that sometime in the near future.

But anyway… bed time now and I am happy that I have managed three days without smoking. A result for me

starving the caveman day 2

Late yesterday evening wasn’t good. It seems that the caveman wakes up more in the evenings because he was banging on the walls by 10pm

I’m trying to evaluate how it feels. It seems to be a cross between anxiety – that horrible feeling in your tum and all the stomach muscles are tensing – and hunger. 

So far it seems to be a purely physical discomfort. 

I did end up having to have a very brief vape before going to bed. Just to take the edge off. 

Fortunately the anxiety/cravings/withdrawal seem to “reset” somewhat during the night as I woke this morning not feeling as “needy” as when I went to sleep.

The working day wasn’t too bad. I definitely had to hold my tongue and censor my thoughts a few times though. Speaking ones mind at work – especially about work – is never a good idea. 
I think the agitation was mainly withdrawal with a tiny bit of work frustration. 

Anyway, I got through work ok. 
The evening was also fairly ok too. I didn’t feel as anxious as yesterday but my body still doesn’t like not having a rollup (or several). Another very brief sip of the vape helped a tiny bit. 

So far… Two days without smoking. 

That is an achievement in itself