This is more of a personal rant. A very personal rant.
Hands up how many readers think I’m going to complain about smokers
It’s my (dramatic cliché —> ) constant battle to damn well Stop.
Seriously, it’s starting to really piss me off.
a bit of background… it all started when I was about 14 or 15 years old. I was a fat bastard in those days – 15 stone. 40+ inch waist. I literally couldn’t see my feet (yup, I was the precursor for childhood obesity before it became trendy in the UK). I used to be very moral about smoking. It was “against the rules” and a very silly thing to do. I did hang around the smokers at school at break time, simply because it made me feel vaguely popular. More so since I was usually the lookout for roaming teachers who always tried to catch the smokers. I never succumbed to peer pressure then, nor did I have any inclination to smoke.
But then, later….. My neighbour, an 18 year old guy, thought that it would be fun to help me lose weight by running so he suggested that we go jogging around some local woodland (ha! Sounds creepy doesn’t it? Different times!).
Predictably I was pretty screwed after 5 mins of jogging. As I sat on a tree stump, doubled over and wheezing like a set of rotten bellows, my neighbour offered me a cigarette.
“it will help you breath better”, he said.
I’m pretty sure that I was so screwed by the jogging attempt that I didn’t know if it was the “exercise” or the cigarette that made me feel sick. Either way I think that my condition freaked him out enough for him to call it a day.
Later the next day I was round said neighbours – he had his mates round and inevitably the fags were passed around. I remember that I was lying on the floor watching TV when my neighbour said “give one to him, he smokes now”.
I really didn’t want one. It was the first ever time I totally caved into peer pressure. The first puff made me feel sick and light headed. I desperately tried to smoke without inhaling, to hold the cigarette point-down so it would burn faster, and to take as little puffs as possible before I could politely stub it out.
In retrospect I think that my neighbour was a cruel bastard and he thought that it was funny to watch a kid get sick from smoking.
Anyway…. that was the start. From then on I went from occasionally blagging a fag from my school mates, to buying my first pack. For years I was a kind of “part time” smoker. I would make a pack last for ages and I would only lightly inhale.
Fast forward 30 odd years and I had turned into an addict and a very heavy smoker.
What really annoys me is that not only am I trying to deal with the physical addiction, I also seem to have trouble breaking the routine. “ill just have a quick smoke” seems to be so ingrained in my lifestyle that its really really hard to cut out. It annoys me more that I know this and yet I cannot say “bugger this, I don’t need it” and stop totally.
One positive thing though….
for some reason that I’m yet to fathom, I decided to try to quit (again!) at the start of this year. This time I admitted that “I have a problem” (almost 50g of baccy per week!) and enrolled in the NHS stop smoking thing. Had a chat with the advisor and we decided to roll out the big guns and put me on “champix” – the pill that apparently dulls the brain form screaming for nicotine.
It did work rather well and although my mind was in a weird place while I was on the pills (cold turkey plus the inherent effects of the pills), I managed to stick with the programme and fight the addiction. After a month and a bit I has myself a sneaky puff and… yeuck! Tasted horrible!
Eventually the pills ran out.
…the addiction and/or routine has started to creep back.
Now, this is not an excuse, more of a reason: recently I have been through some very stressful life-events (more * drama * ) and I went from the very occasional couple of puffs to full-on smoking like there is no tomorrow. All but two “stress events” have passed and been dealt with and now I’m finding myself in difficulties trying to say no to my urges.
Gonna have to try to pull out the stops this coming week and put a brake on the smoky thing.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because I woke this morning and had a sneaky cigarette. I hated it and it pissed me off., made me grumpy at myself…. then I remembered this blog and thought that id have a rant.